Got any good jokes

[The Yellow Brick]

Teacher- Name five animals what live in the jungle

Kid- An elephant ....... and four giraffes

What is black and white and very hard

an exam paper

Why did the echo get an detention

for answering back

What's big and yellow and eats rocks

a big yellow rock eater

What did Ocean say to the Seagull, Nothing it just waved.

There mine, now what are yours.

(P.S Let's try and keep them clean )

Edited October 9, 2010 by The Red Brick

[Munkay]

Hmm... i know quite a few, but there a little dirt for this forum. Let me see if i can "clean" them up a bit. Be back later.

[Joey Lock]

No offence but this thread seems like its heading for trouble unless we keep it all clean. That means no Euphemisms either.

Ok it's not really a joke but I found it funny, This is the worst chat up line ever:

"Girl is your name Google? 'cause you got everything I'm looking for"

[-zenn]

No offence but this thread seems like its heading for trouble unless we keep it all clean. That means no Euphemisms either.

Ok it's not really a joke but I found it funny, This is the worst chat up line ever:

"Girl is your name Google? 'cause you got everything I'm looking for"

I always forget jokes, so another bad chat up line...

When you see two girls, step up to the one you don't like and say "you like to dance? yeah, well you go dance while I'll talk to your friend"

[Brickdoctor]

Bob decides to try skydiving for the first time. He jumps out of the plane and pulls the string. Nothing happens. He tries the backup 'chute. Nothing happens. He begins to panic when, all of a sudden, he sees another man flying upwards. He calls out to the man, "Hey! Do you know anything about skydiving?" The other man replies, "No, do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

[allanp]

There once was a man who had an uncle in very bad health. They tried everything to bring him back to health, from doctors to chinese remedies to old wives tales. They even tried rubbing lard on his back, but after that he just went down hill very quickly!

There was another man in a shopping mall. He heard the sound of a dog in distress, he, being an animal lover, went to investigate. He followed the noise to what could only be described as a blind man swinging his guide dog around his head. He asked the blind man "what the heck are you doing?" to which he replies "i'm having a look around!". Not that I would buy a guide dog or anything, have you seen how many of there owners go blind!

Edited September 7, 2010 by allanp

[Professor Flitwick]

This joke takes place during the heavy drinking days of Ozzy Osbourne.

So Ozzy and Sharon (his wife) are staying in a hotel. Sharon, hoping to get Ozzy on a path to being sober removes all of his clothes from the wardrobe (to stop him going out to bars to drink), removes the mini bar, and tells the staff not to supply their rooms with drink. After her day of shopping, she comes home to find Ozzy naked, lying on their bed. She yells at the manager, but he insists no one entered his room.

The next day the take the same precautions, but she still returns to find him drunk, naked on their bed.

This continues for several days, before Sharon says one day, "All right Ozzy, I give up. How do you do it?"

Ozzy replies with, "Oh it's easy. When your out, I put on one of your dresses, and go to a transvestite bar!"

______________________________________________________________________________

Hope that wasn't too close to the wind.

[user]

So a guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey look! My dog can talk!" And the bar tender says "Yeah right. Make him say something and I'll give you $50." then the other guy says "Okay spot what's on the top of this building?" and the dog barks "ROOOF!"

and the bartender says "That's not fair! Make him say something else! Any dog can bark!" and the guy says "Okay spot who's the greatest baseball player ever?" And then the dog barks "RUUUTH!" Then the bartender got mad and said "That's not talking that's just barking! SCRAM!" and then the bar tender kicked them out of the bar and on the way to the car the dog says "Do you think I shoulda said dimaggio?"

:laugh:

[Artanis I]

There once was a man who had an uncle in very bad health. They tried everything to bring him back to health, from doctors to chinese remedies to old wives tales. They even tried rubbing lard on his back, but after that he just went down hill very quickly!

There was another man in a shopping mall. He heard the sound of a dog in distress, he, being an animal lover, went to investigate. He followed the noise to what could only be described as a blind man swinging his guide dog around his head. He asked the blind man "what the heck are you doing?" to which he replies "i'm having a look around!". Not that I would buy a guide dog or anything, have you seen how many of there owners go blind!

Wow, 2 jokes I've never heard a million times before on the Internet. And I even missed the first punchline thinking the second paragraph was part of it.

Here's mine:

Office supplies admin is holding the telephone out to the shop assistant and says "I've got a Paul Ickencat curious about our mouse range, it's a very bad line" "Yes, but you delivered it well"

[Brick & Mortimer]

Q: Why do ducks have flippers on their feet?

A: To stamp out little fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big round flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks

[FelixTheCat]

No offence but this thread seems like its heading for trouble unless we keep it all clean.:

Why's that a problem? I just read the site guidelines and theres nothing in there about keeping it clean. In fact, I've seen an 11 year old kid post on here just trying to get some info and all he got was abuse because he was 11 and this is an "adults only site".

Got my son an iPhone for doing well in his exams.

Bought my daughter an iPod for her birthday.

I was over the moon when the family chipped in and got me an iPad for fathers day.

It was our anniversary last week and I gave the wife an iRon.

Been sleeping in the garage ever since.

[lightningtiger]

A golfer notices a man in the gallery of people checking his watch all the time and carrying two huge cases around from hole to hole.

He stops and asks about the watch....

'Oh, yes this is a special watch.' the man said.

'Special, how ?' replied the golfer.

'Well, it 3.30 here, 6 in the morning in London, the dollar is down, the Dow Jones is up and Australia has just won the test by 50 runs.' said the man.

'Wow, that is special.....but whats with the cases ?' asks the golfer.

For which the man replies 'There the blasted batteries to power the flipping thing !'

That's the best I can come up with that's either clean or not blonde related.

Keep on joking......I'm a conformist! !

[noname]

Well, the original joke is a blonde joke, so I'll write idiot instead:

Q: What should you do when an idiot throws a hand grenade at you?

A: You should remove the pin and throw it back.

Q: What should you do when an idiot throws a pin at you?

A: Run away, he has a hand grenade in his mouth!

Oh, and does someone here likes elephant jokes?

Edited September 15, 2010 by noname

[sok117]

I've got a funny one, but It's funnier if someone tells you in real life, anyways

What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms and no legs?

screwed

[not-in-use-anymore]

I have one long joke-in-a-joke story, it's hard to follow, but you may divide anything you find funny into any size you want(I made up Aggresive Recycling, and if you want to use it somewhere it's fine if you mention me(oh, and maybe a few rare parts? ).

On a ship: A sailor and a captain are on a ship in the middle of an ocean. The sailor is looking through a telescope and says he saw a shark fin just on the horizon, in the direction they're headed.

Underwater: 3 sharks are swimming towards a boat. Shark 1 says:"what did one shark say to the other shark?" The other 2 sharks said they didn't know.On a ship: The sailor says the shark fins are getting closer. The captain continues towards them, thinking they'll go away.

Underwater: Shark 1:"It didn't, sharks can't talk" the 3 sharks jumped out of the water and...On a ship: The ship and it's contents fell off a waterfall with 3 very pointy rocks and crashed on the border between country A and country B.On another boat: 2 weird men without shirts sit next to three sharks. Weird guy 1:"You know what I always say, 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Nuke the Whales'" Weird guy 2:"Aren't these sharks? Oh, I just rembered, you have to go to court in 2 hours for 'Aggresive Recycling and Theft of Receipts on McDonalds property'" Weird man 1:"No, don't you remember that they said we could go fishing?" Weird guy 2:"Really? That angry guy was pretty clear abou-" Weird guy 1: *wink* Weird guy 2:"..." Weird guy 1:*angry stare*

Epilogue: The shipwreck was found by two people on Fathers Day. If the shipwreck is on the border between country A and country B, on which side are the survivors buried?

I'm also planning on making a mini comic of the joke story above soon.

The only other joke I can think of right now:

If a mime falls over(after being mugged) in the middle of a sidewalk, and there are alot of people around to hear it, does it make a noise?

[Zorbas]

A man goes into a restaurant...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BjrG5QQZxE&feature=related

[prateek]

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

[Brick & Mortimer]

...

If a mime falls over(after being mugged) in the middle of a sidewalk, and there are alot of people around to hear it, does it make a noise?

Another one in the category oriental wisdom:

If a man is talking in a forest, and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

[The Yellow Brick]

DOCTOR - Your pulse is steady as a Clock

JOHN - Maybe that's because you're feeling my wrist watch

GRANDAD - Doctor, I'm in great pain from my wooden leg.

DOCTOR - How can a wooden leg cause you so much pain

GRANDAD - Because my wife keeps hitting me over the head with it

JOHN - The thing is Doctor, I just feel generally under the weather

DOCTOR - Maybe It's your diet. What sort of things do you eat

JOHN - Well my favourite food is snooker balls, I can't eat enough of them. For breakfast I have a couple of red ones. I

have a pink one and a black one at mid-morning. Then for lunch I have a couple of yellow ones , and for supper some brown balls and then some more Pink balls.

DOCTOR - The trouble is you're not getting enough greens.

JOHN - doctor doctor, I can't stop stealing things

DOCTOR - well take these tablets for two weeks and if they don't work bring me back a Plasma Screen telly.

JOHN - Doctor, my son just swallowed a Pound coin

DOCTOR - Why on earth did he do that ?

JOHN - I gave it him and told him that it was for his school dinner.

[Zorbas]

-Doctor, my whole body is in pain.

-Could you be more specific?

-It hurts here (*presses his finger against his chest*), here (*presses his finger against his leg*), here (*presses his finger against his arm*), here (*presses his finger against his head*). It's all over my body.

-Hmmm, your finger is broken.

[Plastemaurer]

There were zwei peanuts, walking down the straße, und one was a salted... peanut

[Plastic Nurak]

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

A man enters into a café.

SPLASH!

[The Yellow Brick]

A man goes into a restaurant...

*Clip*

HA I get it

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

I don't know how many time's I've heard that.

A man enters into a café.

SPLASH!

Erm.... I don't really get that one

Edited October 9, 2010 by The Red Brick

[Artanis I]

Erm.... I don't really get that one

That's because in English "cafe" does not also mean a drink of coffee, merely where to get one...

[Mrlegoninja]

A joke I just thought of :

So a man walks into a bar.

He askes someone who he thinks works here to get him a vodka.

"I am sorry. We don't serve drinks here."

The man askes, "Then why do you have a sign that says Bar?"

"It doesn't say bar",she continued,"It says bar company. You were so drunk that you thought it said bar."

Weird joke, thought of it in afew seconds.