Are you writing a book?

[Darth Nihilus]

*snip*

Okay then.

Yeah, I prefer the 'child timeline', because TP comes in there, and TP is epic. The reason I was so confused is because the Link from OoT appears in TP (as the teacher of the Secret/Hidden Skills), and I was wondering if that was the reasoning behind your 'Hero of Time transported away' storyline.

[Tanma]

Okay then.

Yeah, I prefer the 'child timeline', because TP comes in there, and TP is epic. The reason I was so confused is because the Link from OoT appears in TP (as the teacher of the Secret/Hidden Skills), and I was wondering if that was the reasoning behind your 'Hero of Time transported away' storyline.

yeah, that was just a nod to the Child Timeline and the ending of Ocarina of Time. Although everything in that prologue is supposed to be involved with my story's plot, so it will have other significance.

The next part is just a comment comparing the Adult timeline and the child timeline, and since it is off topic I will spoiler it. More on topic, I am written the story as a whole in a mixture of a novel and almost a video game playthrough. For instance I have characters "reminding" Link how to roll, sidestep, and swing his sword at foes, like how he is "reminded" at the start of many games. But at the same time some features are different, like dungeon keys can be reused and I don't give a complete blow by blow of Link moving through a dungeon. I also have decided to make this Link a mute, to explain why he stays silent. Any other ideas on how to mesh the mediums?

I like Twilight Princess as well, although Midna got on my nerves a little. (I had not yet played Ocarina of Time at that time, otherwise I would have probably loved it) I think the reason I prefer the Adult Timeline is simply because other characters actually do things. I know the Midna, and in the final fight Zelda, was a huge help in Twilight Princess, and the resistence helped every so often. (mostly the final part) But aside from them the rest of Hyrule seemed kind of useless. (oh those guards) But in Windwaker you had a lot more help. Medli and Makar with both controllable and vital to certain dungeons and in restoring the Master Sword, and Tetra was awesome in general. And I still get chills from when Quill, Komali, and the god Valoo saved Link and Tetra in the Forsaken Fortress. Link could have beaten those foes by yourself in Twilight Princess, the resistence might have well have been a cameo. But Quill and Komali save Link from the final boss himself! And a god actually does something directly useful! I don't recall any other time where a god got off their butts and helped you in battle. The four Light Spirits in TP just gave Link weapons, Valoo blew up a dungeon! In Phantom Hourglass you can team up and control a Goron at one point (if my memory serves correctly) not to mention Linebeck trying to help in the final fight. And later in Spirit Tracks the current Zelda is with you every step of the way, a first for the games. Plus I have a fondness for the Rito. Not all the games in those timelines probably fit that pattern, but it was just my impression.

[Mr_Malfoy]

Not at the moment, but I'm currently throwing around a few ideas about Atlantis before its destruction, and the events that lead up to its downfall.

EDIT: Just came up with an idea. Constructive critism appreciated . Also just fixed a few spelling errors.

In the prologue (14,586 BC), the island of Atantis is created by Poseidon, and falls in love with a woman (Kifagash), and he founds the Atlantean empire. He marries the woman and she gives birth to 10 sons, and when he has to return to the ocean, he gives the newly-crowned King of Atlantis(his first-born) a gift: an Olympian crystal, which gives longevity (which explains why the gods are immortal), and has the power to create or destroy (the crystal, along with greed, will lead to Atlantis's downfall). He then returns to the ocean, and creates the Leviathan to guard Atlantis.

In 6,586 BC, the current King of Atlantis (the 9th son), King Nekadosah, is busy planning the 8,000 anniversary of Atlantis's founding with his wife, Queen Anasakah, and his son, Prince Prekado, and his daughter, Princess Kiqada. The king's younger brother, Count Nedakoshak, is jealous of his brother's power, and schemes to kill the royal family and rule Atlantis. His assistant, General Threadosa, also schemes to rule Atlantis with him.

They plan to use the Olympian crystal to destroy the Royal City.

High Priest Jakada Yortsah overhears their plans and finds the prince and princess and warns them. The three of them run to the throne room the king about the evil plans, only to find him dead, the queen enslaved, and Count Nedakoshak on the throne. The trio engage in

a dramatic fight with the General and his henchman, and are defeated. They are banished from the Royal City, never to return.

The trio travel the world for years, and return to Atlantis in 6,579 BC. They travel the Atlantean countryside, and discover the inhumanity the Atlanteans are suffering due to Nedakoshak's reign. The military discovers them, and kills Jakada. The prince and princess discover a few months later that a rebellion is growing, equipped with Atlantean military vehicles and weapons. They are welcomed by the leader of the rebellion: their long-lost brother, Prince Zakadar. They plan and train for the ultimate battle to end Nedakoshak's cruel reign. By 6,575 BC, they are ready to fight. They begin the invasion of the rebellion army on the Royal City. A massive, 3D-action movie style battle begins, in which Prince Zakadar is killed. The rebels retreat and regroup. They rally around the princess, who leads her brother and the rebels into another, more successful invasion.

The 2nd battle is a success, since now they have the Leviathan on their side, with General Threadosa being executed by the rebels. They invade the royal palace, and the princess frees her mother and engages in a climatic battle with King Nedakoshak. He dies, but not before using the Olympian crystal as a laser beam of destruction, firing a beam into the ocean, causing massive, 2,000 foot-tall tidal waves careening towards Atlantis. The queen sacrifices her life to the Crystal, and in doing so creates a shield covering the entire Atlantean continent. The tidal waves hit the shield with such tremendous force that Atlantis sinks into the sea (with the protective shield covering it). Atlantis eventually ends up in a massive underground cavern, large enough to support a continent full of life. Atlantis continues to thrive underground, although it remains forgotten by the surface world.

In the epilouge, Riley Cage (a main protagonist for the next two books), is digging in an archaeology project at Stonehedge, and discovers a tablet with languages on it: Egyptian, Minoan, Sumerian, and... Atlantean ( ).

What do you think? Constructive critism appreciated!

Edited May 12, 2012 by Mr_Malfoy

[TrumpetKing]

Hey guys, I just made a post a page ago, and I was wondering for feedback. I finally finished my story, and am wondering if anyone thinks that I should post it on here based off of my first post.

Thanks,

TrumpetKing67

[Tanma]

TrumpetKing67; I am not an expert at reviewing other works, but I will see what I can do in terms of feedback.

...Now again, I am not an expert and this might just be personal taste, but I feel like it moves too fast. This could totally be just me, as I am a huge fan of long detailed epics, but it seems too fast paced. In the first shown paragraph the protangonist boards a plane, and four paragraphs later the plane crashes. It feels too sudden, not enough time to ease a reader into the story before shocking them with a disaster. It kind of sounds more like a dream, as dreams bounce around regardless of time and sequence, but even then it seems to abrupt to trick a reader into fearing for the character.

There also are not many details on the setting. What is the color of the plane, what class is the character seating in? Details like the latter could be very important, for instance if they were in first class it would show that despite their lack of parents they are pretty wealthy. The reader might wonder if the protagonist was born into wealth or gained it on their own, and if they were born into money why weren't they adopted for the money? Little details like that can make a reader think. Not to mention background details can enlarge the time between the start of this story and the crash, and slow it to a more reasonable speed, at least to my sense of time.

Some of the details that are given also seem too abrupt. We don't need to know they are an orphan or their backstory in the first paragraph, it seems too soon. Perhaps instead the protangonist could just start to tremble as they near the plane, before descended into a mantra like "I am safe. I am safe. I am safe..." This could show the reader that they are scared of planes, but leave them wondering why. Is it something that happened to the protangonist? If so, what happened? If done well it could hook a reader, and make them want to know more about the character.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh at all, and I worry I might seem a bit blunt. Just remember that writing takes years to polish off and perfect, and it never stops improving as long as one keeps trying. So just keep working at it. Hopefully this is helpful.

-------

Now on the matter of my Legend of Zelda story, I would like some feedback from the people of Eurobricks on a certain aspect of the tale. Because the story takes place in two countries seperated by a huge ocean, one country has developed a dialect. I have already come up with rules for this dialect, but I want to make sure it is understandable, and for any linguists out there, if it makes sense. Included below is a sample of the dialect in question, taken from the fifth chapter of the first part. As a disclaimer I made the dialect randomly, so if it sounds like a real life dialect of English, it is totally unintensional. I apologize if offense is taken though.

As Link slammed his fist at the metal bars in frustration the reptilian added, “Pot I vink we kan stirr helb each over.” The Hylian looked up as the draconian explained, “I am sovering down here, as I assome yu know, pot not jost bekase of ve intended tortore. Ve sikness yor people make poisons me, I kan only legenerate su moch. And I brever not tu die in vis dead land.”

“Lelease me vrom vese ponds,” stated the creature as Link watched on, “and I wirr take yu tu my peoble. I wirr not help yu nor yor nation’s soldiers attak my peoble, I wirr not let yu attak my peoble. Pot I wirr take yu tu appel tu vem tu lelease yor vliend. Ith yu shold vre me and not harm a single Phonnu or one oth ur konstocts, ven I wirr du vis. I wirr not lie, ve path tu my home is not easy, it wirr take time to brepare vor it. Pot I plomise vat ith yu vollow vose loles, I wirr get yu vere. Agled?”

So is the dialect understandable? I tried to use actual rules of grammer to construct it, and if I need to I can post the key here. But without a key can this dialect be understood?

[TrumpetKing]

I am sorry if this sounds harsh at all, and I worry I might seem a bit blunt. Just remember that writing takes years to polish off and perfect, and it never stops improving as long as one keeps trying. So just keep working at it. Hopefully this is helpful.

Don't worry at all, Tanma. I am open to any and all criticism as long as it is constructive, and I even agree with you on most of it.

Edited May 15, 2012 by TrumpetKing67

[Scorpiox]

Does anyone have any critique for the short piece that I posted a bit back?

[krystalKING]

I am! In fact, I have a storyline shaped for two unrelated trilogy's and multiple shorts. I am working on the first book for the first trilogy. Named SURVIVAL (I'm still thinking about the name.) It follows the story of one man and a hyperintelligent Hyacinth Macaw in the aftermath of World War 3. (The Event or the Apocalypse.) I really want the story to be mysterious, so I'm only going to name the factions. The CELL, Farlanders, and infected. All are at war with each other. I will send the first two chapters to anyone who asks.

The second trilogy follows a Space Police Commando named Jack,(Anyone remember 2010?) against the black hole gang, alien invaders, and the final enemy: Blacktron. A post-war standalone novel may appear, named ENDGAME.

I would like constructive criticism on SURVIVAL, so please, go ahead and ask!

Edited May 15, 2012 by krystalKING

[Palathadric]

So is the dialect understandable? I tried to use actual rules of grammer to construct it, and if I need to I can post the key here. But without a key can this dialect be understood?

"I am suffering down here, as I assume you know, but not just because of the intended torture. The sickness your people make poisons me, I can only regenerate so much. And I prefer not to die in this dead land."

Release me from these bonds, and I will take you to my people. I will not help you nor your nation's soldiers attack my people, I will not let you attack my people. But I will take you to appeal to them to release your friend. If you should free me and not harm a single Phonnu or one of our (contacts?), when I will do this. I will not lie, the path to my home is not easy, it will take time to prepare for it. But I promise that if you follow those roles, I will get you there. Agreed?

Is this correct?

The only problem that I have with it is it seems just like someone is speaking English, only with a horrible accent. It was a little tough reading through, although if one reads it quickly one can grasp it fairly easily too, in my opinion.

Edited May 15, 2012 by palathadric

[Palathadric]

Does anyone have any critique for the short piece that I posted a bit back?

I am too tired to seriously critique it now, but it looks quite interesting at least.

[Tanma]

"I am suffering down here, as I assume you know, but not just because of the intended torture. The sickness your people make poisons me, I can only regenerate so much. And I prefer not to die in this dead land."

Release me from these bonds, and I will take you to my people. I will not help you nor your nation's soldiers attack my people, I will not let you attack my people. But I will take you to appeal to them to release your friend. If you should free me and not harm a single Phonnu or one of our (contacts?), when I will do this. I will not lie, the path to my home is not easy, it will take time to prepare for it. But I promise that if you follow those roles, I will get you there. Agreed?

Is this correct?

The only problem that I have with it is it seems just like someone is speaking English, only with a horrible accent. It was a little tough reading through, although if one reads it quickly one can grasp it fairly easily too, in my opinion.

Replace contacts with constructs, but pretty much yes. I find that it is also easier to translate when spoken out loud.

Can you clarify what you mean by "seems just like someone is speaking English, only with a horrible accent?" because that sounds like what I intended, so I don't see how that is a downside. After all this is a form of English/Hylian spoken by dragon-like entities, it would sound different even without the cultural isolation of 200+ years. So can you explain it details how this is a flaw?

Here is the key by the way. Hopefully I followed it, as that has been an issue in the past.

V is onset, Th is coda, no f

L is onset, R is coda

U is at the end of a word, O is for rest

P is before a vowel, B is for the rest

Kn is pronounced as such

C is not used

 

[Palathadric]

Can you clarify what you mean by "seems just like someone is speaking English, only with a horrible accent?" because that sounds like what I intended, so I don't see how that is a downside. After all this is a form of English/Hylian spoken by dragon-like entities, it would sound different even without the cultural isolation of 200+ years. So can you explain it details how this is a flaw?

Oh, okay, I didn't realize that this is what you had intended. Then it's It definitely is easier if you read it out loud. It may be a bit confusing for some.

[The Real Walkers]

I also posted a story a while back- any feedback is v.welcome :D

[Palathadric]

I wrote a short Ghost story a couple of weeks ago. The premise is based on a true story, and I became inspired to write this after I stayed in the coastal town in which it is set. I hope you enjoy.

At the stroke of midnight, the engines on the winch whirred into life; I would put a period, but... machinery not used for years groaned in protest at the sudden exertion. Heavy iron chains, thick with rust, were awoken For some reason "awoken" sounds funny. Is it not, "awakened" or am I from slumber with They were woken along with the rushing water or by the rushing water or what? the gushing water beneath. Alone in the moonless night, the deserted boat began its hushed I thought the machine was making a lot of noise? descent toward the frothing ocean. The waves roared in hideous laughter at the approaching craft, threatening to tear the rotted wood and tarnished metal in two for daring to cross enter? their domain. The chain links stretched Can chain links stretch taut? taut with a penetrating screech and the consuming sea had only time to roar once more before the grip was finally released. The wrought metal clanged on the gangway before the weathered prow smashed into the froth Well, it couldn't have actually smashed into the froth. with an almighty crash. White water pounced upon the ship like a hungry animal, clinging and crawling about the decks. With a jolt, the boat’s hull settled in the water, defiantly shaking free the spray, igniting a war-cry of its own in the face of the wind and the rain.

For on the night of the 19th of December Personally, I would put "December 19th" to avoid "of the 19th of" , the heavens had opened up in the face of the oncoming storm. The rains ripped down from the sky with the anger and ferocity of the Earth itself. The tempest swept across the Cornish coast; wind and rain spelt peril for those caught in the path. Thunder clapped out at sea, lightning flashed like a divine warning and, in the torrent, a rocket lit the sky.

There it was again: the noise Which noise? A general noise or a specific repeated noise? If the latter, I believe it should be "that noise" . A fizz, loud through the walls I really don't understand this part . Then a ring, repeated, the unmistakable sound of a telephone This looks wrong somehow, although I can't put my finger on what it is . There were sudden unexplained hurried footsteps a bit tough to read. Perhaps: There were sudden and unexplained footsteps hurrying along, causing heavy thumps...Not this exactly, but something of the sort, maybe , heavy thumps on the floorboards, as though someone was rushing about upstairs. The fizz and pop rang out again, like a firework. I took a hurried glance through my open window, and I would take off the "and", I think out into the moonless night. And there it was, a flare in the sky, bright and seen by all. A cry for help. (In this whole area, the punctuation does not seem right, but it could just be me. The telephone was ringing still, and it sounded close by. But I knew, with a chill, that my telephone was by my side, as silent as the blackness outside. The footsteps upstairs were louder, rushing closer. And then, the front door flung open to the wind with a clang that echoed through my mind.

I leapt over to the door and hurriedly glanced out through the darkness, but nothing was there before my threshold. I stumbled forward into the rain, out onto the stained ground at the foot of the house in which I stayed. My gaze was attracted by a bright light shining in the bay, a single glow standing out like a lone star. As I strained my eyes to see, the unmistakable picture of a RNLI Lifeboat at the slipway, chains winding down unto release, became clear. The boat hit the water with an eerily loud splash that made me shudder. Far as I was, the sound was as resonant as though I stood at the launch myself. The craft was outdated in design and condition, the hull was rusted, and the wood rotted to the core.

In its age What do you mean by this? The ship was luminous despite its age or due to its age, or what?, the ship was luminous in the dark, easily visible to my eye over the distance, and it remained all too plain as it braved the elements into the wind and the rain But the wind and rain are the elements. .

The following morning, I decided to set out into I don't know, is it correct to set "out into" the town? the town. Passing many a fishmarket, and an iron memorial I didn’t care to read Fragment! . I decided to work my way to the harbour, and perhaps find something out about the history of the town. As I passed a wizened looking fisherman, my curiosity got the better of me and I jogged up to him As you passed him, you jogged up to him? How far away from him are you passing? .

I don't want to mention it every time, but "lifeboat" shouldn't be capitalized.

“Excuse me sir, do you know anything of "anything of" sounds kind of funny. why the Lifeboat was launched last night? I’m staying here for a while, and I just wondered why the flare was sent up.” The old fisherman just laughed loudly.

“Nah, there weren’t no boat launched last night. There ‘ent ain't??? been one in what? Thirty years? Not since that disaster, I think you can put a period here ’81 it was. Nasty bit of business that was; them say every one of that crew died. Shouldn’t ‘a’ been sent out at all in my opinion, and here too worst storm I ever seen.”

At the man’s words, my stomach churned. I had seen the Lifeboat, I think you should replace the comma with an "as" clearly as day, but here was this man, saying that the boat hadn’t launched in decades.

“Musta been thirty years today, terrible thing it was. So, anyway, whereabouts you stayin’ then?”

“Tregorran Lane, number seven.”

“Really? That’s where the Coxswain of that boat useta’ live. Funny that, eh?”

I turned to go back home, a deep confusion tugging at my insides. It couldn’t have happened last night, could it? I found myself walking at a fast pace, and I couldn’t help but have a small worry that the past hadn’t been laid to rest. When before the sky was bright and blue, with a rapidity I had never seen, the storm set in the storm set in with a rapidity I had never seen (I believe the other can cause confusion as to whether the storm set in rapidly or it was bright and blue rapidly . The rains poured down and hit like stone. Wind tore at the earth and threatened to rip me from the ground on which I stood. I felt intense relief to be shielded from the wrath of nature, as I looked out upon the writhing sea from my window. And I saw it, there far on the living ocean. No, it couldn’t be there? It wasn’t there, was it? A Lifeboat?

Beside me comma I could hear a frequent crackling, like static on a radio. “Penlee Lifeboat to Farmouth Coastguard: We’ve got four out...” The message ended abruptly, and the static intensified.

“Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond.” There was a pause in the static. “Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond.” I looked around, but there was no radio. I tore my eyes back to the sea usually one tears ones eyes away from something not to something, now a swirling green monster clawing at the Lifeboat with a vengeance. I could see the Lifeboat approach a distant cargo vessel, broken upon the rocks like a discarded toy. I could hear the rotors of a helicopter beginning its ascent, and now the Lifeboat was alongside you may want to mention again what it was alongside. Possibly try: now the lifeboat was alongside the stricken liner and men were scrambling to drag the crew out from within. Or something of the like and men were scrambling to drag crew from the stricken liner. I looked with horror as a titanic wave smashed the Lifeboat into the other vessel, splintering wood and tearing metal. A horrible scream echoed in my ears, and I almost collapsed with shock. I stood up to see a terrible sight. colon A wave, colossal and frothing with the full might of the sea. It rose to a gigantic height, rolling and screaming death at the now miniscule craft. I had to turn my eyes away as the green monster fell down upon the hapless men, no commma lost at sea.

“Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond. Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond.”

I forced myself to look back at the scene, but all was calm. The barbaric storm had melted away, either put a period or an "and" the wrecked cargo ship was gone. It was as though it had never happened. It had never happened, not since 1981, when sixteen men lost their lives. It was just an illusion. But then again, I could smell diesel on the wind ...

Comments, etc are in red.

It's a neat perspective. I like it, Scorpiox.

Sorry, if I seemed rather strict. I am just responding with what I would have put. I think I am correct, but I'm not actually from an English speaking country, so...

I will post my own work one of these days, and believe me, it will need a lot of corrections.

[krystalKING]

So I decided to post the first chapter here, its more of an prologue that sets the stage for the first eight or nine chapters.

CHAPTER 1 STRANGE NEW WORLD

In the middle of what was once America, an individual lay face down in ash, thought dead at one time, but actually alive. Around him lay a silent, gray world. A world devoid of life, of color, and of sound. The individual lay deep in his consciousness, not even dreaming, the kind of sleep were you don’t remember anything when you wake up, but he was slowly coming to awareness.

Miles away, a being flew through the air, he felt panic in his heart as he vanished into the ash, he had a sensitive respiratory system, and he didn’t know if he could die by inhaling the ash. He didn’t die immediately, but the ash constricted his lungs and air sacs, making it harder to breathe, he had to land and rest for a moment, he knew who he was seeking, and he knew he was close, but so were the Farlanders, they were on his tail, and he was desperate. He knew the ash cloud would cover him, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He took off again, flying as hard and as fast as he could.

He knew who he was seeking.

[RPGer]

So I decided to post the first chapter here, its more of an prologue that sets the stage for the first eight or nine chapters.

CHAPTER 1 STRANGE NEW WORLD

In the middle of what was once America, an individual lay face down in ash, thought dead at one time, but actually alive. Around him lay a silent, gray world. A world devoid of life, of color, and of sound. The individual lay deep in his consciousness, not even dreaming, the kind of sleep were you don’t remember anything when you wake up, but he was slowly coming to awareness.

Miles away, a being flew through the air, he felt panic in his heart as he vanished into the ash, he had a sensitive respiratory system, and he didn’t know if he could die by inhaling the ash. He didn’t die immediately, but the ash constricted his lungs and air sacs, making it harder to breathe, he had to land and rest for a moment, he knew who he was seeking, and he knew he was close, but so were the Farlanders, they were on his tail, and he was desperate. He knew the ash cloud would cover him, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He took off again, flying as hard and as fast as he could.

He knew who he was seeking.

That's more of a prologue. (Don't mean to bash)

[Mr_Malfoy]

Does anybody have any critism for the story idea I posted a while back?

[Palathadric]

Does anybody have any critism for the story idea I posted a while back?

I don't know. I don't really understand what kind of society Atlantis is going to have. Are they fairly modern or very olden day. Will there be a lot of magic and suchlike?

Some of the plot seems a bit predictable, but I do morbidly like how the heroes, if I should call them that, are beaten back a number of times.

[purpleparadox]

Does anybody have any critism for the story idea I posted a while back?

I don't know. I don't really understand what kind of society Atlantis is going to have. Are they fairly modern or very olden day. Will there be a lot of magic and suchlike?

Some of the plot seems a bit predictable, but I do morbidly like how the heroes, if I should call them that, are beaten back a number of times.

I agree with palathadric, but your story is VERY intriguing. If this does get expanded upon, written into a story, or turned into a full-blown novel, I'm going to have to make some MOCs based on it. Can't wait for more!

[Nightshroud99]

The censer ablazed with freshly lit resin, and struggling to get comfortable the young magi Aleister crossed his legs and began the slow arduous process of getting into trance. Gripping his grimoire tightly, the young fool slowly breathed in and out, droning on like a elder, while humming an alien mantra.

After a long meditation into his dark mind he was prepared. With sharp intuition he deftly opened the ancient text to it's preordained page, and began to clairsentiently feel the aether that surrounded the written spell before him. He need not open his eyes now, he had memorized what lay before him in the weeks leading up to this night. And now, at the hour of the witch, he started the sinister chant, beckoning, ever slowly, for the dark forces to materialize before him. The earth below then began to shake; and the wind picked up and howled, yet it was not only the wind, the spirits had also stirred, awaken from their primordial slumber within the shadows. Convulsing through sheer fear and Ecstasy, Aleister screamed the last few lines of the black chant, and as he said such foul syllables the spirits ran through him, rending his soul asunder. Dropping limp to the ground, the workers of darkness cried gleefully, for they had taken another fool into the night; and one who shall not be coming back...

I was bored, so I came up with this. Kind of macabre but whatever, I like Lovecraft.

[Palathadric]

Comments, etc are in red.

It's a neat perspective. I like it, Scorpiox.

Sorry, if I seemed rather strict. I am just responding with what I would have put. I think I am correct, but I'm not actually from an English speaking country, so...

I would be interested in seeing if you have any comments or corrections to make on my comments, Scorpiox.

[TrumpetKing]

I have now started a new story. Here is the prologue. Enjoy.

My legs burned as I lay down. The world had obviously been against me for the past couple of days. My clothes showed significant damage, and my eyes were yellow and bloodshot. My hair, long and greasier than a pig. I carefully sat, almost unable to withstand my pain. I moan and moan, but my leg tightens and every square inch is scratched and bruised. As my pain eases, I slowly sit up, and take in every bit of air that I can.

“Why me?” I think. I must be cautious of my surroundings. I am aware that every bit of my life is endangered. I am proactive with getting up, and my pain begins to return to the devilish state of my seared leg. I am curious to see if I am being stalked by those evil hounds that call themselves human. They possess inhuman capabilities, and have a possessed mind, and I must discover where they are. They know where we are. They are the reason I am here. They have the map.

Every tree around me is a deep green. The branches flow as if they are beautiful dancers of the art of Flamenco. I must not give up on my surroundings. These monsters, they are all my fault. I had the idea. I picked the wrong day. It was my fault. The experiment went wrong. They turned on me. They captured me. They escaped. Each one dropped me here, leaving me in this rash, bare state. I am alone. I need the map. Anything that they take to Molaris Raptus puts the whole world in danger. The map is leading them to it. The map controls everything. Once they find the Adumbrationem, everyone on our planet is in danger. My goal is to save Forma from everything that the Figura-Versis do. I am the sole person to do so. I am Honestum.

Any criticism and comments are welcomed, as long as it is constructive.

Edited May 31, 2012 by TrumpetKing67

[horizon]

Hi,

not books as such but short stories (with scenarios for the game battlefleet gothic)... it also has cool art.

http://www.tacticalwargames.net/archive/rules/gothic/ddarkness.html

Project Distant Darkness is the ruleset. The Art of Command and Distant feature the short stories.

Starblade is a poem in the same universe:

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&chrome=true&srcid=0B-aXA8fc5AQ8Y2NlZWZiNzctZjNiMS00ZDgzLTljOTAtNzhkYzc4MmM0N2U0&hl=en_US

[Scorpiox]

I would be interested in seeing if you have any comments or corrections to make on my comments, Scorpiox.

Of course.

Thanks for the comments, I've replied to them in blue.

At the stroke of midnight, the engines on the winch whirred into life; I would put a period, but... machinery not used for years groaned in protest at the sudden exertion. Heavy iron chains, thick with rust, were awoken For some reason "awoken" sounds funny. Is it not, "awakened" or am I The past tense of 'Awake' is either 'Awoke' or 'Awakened' depending on the context. from slumber with They were woken along with the rushing water or by the rushing water or what?The chains awoke with the water below them, which happened to be gushing. the gushing water beneath. Alone in the moonless night, the deserted boat began its hushed I thought the machine was making a lot of noise?The descent was hushed, the winches were making a racket but the boat made no noise at all. descent toward the frothing ocean. The waves roared in hideous laughter at the approaching craft, threatening to tear the rotted wood and tarnished metal in two for daring to cross enter?Indeed their domain. The chain links stretched Can chain links stretch taut?A single chain link cannot obviously, but the chain links together are placed under heavy force and they pull taut against each other until the chain stretches out taut with a penetrating screech and the consuming sea had only time to roar once more before the grip was finally released. The wrought metal clanged on the gangway before the weathered prow smashed into the froth Well, it couldn't have actually smashed into the froth. It is a metaphor for the ferocity of the water with an almighty crash. White water pounced upon the ship like a hungry animal, clinging and crawling about the decks. With a jolt, the boat’s hull settled in the water, defiantly shaking free the spray, igniting a war-cry of its own in the face of the wind and the rain.

For on the night of the 19th of December Personally, I would put "December 19th" to avoid "of the 19th of" Sorry, but American English is out of bounds for one such as I. But yes it should be changed, maybe 'on the night of December, the 19th it was, , the heavens had opened up in the face of the oncoming storm. The rains ripped down from the sky with the anger and ferocity of the Earth itself. The tempest swept across the Cornish coast; wind and rain spelt peril for those caught in the path. Thunder clapped out at sea, lightning flashed like a divine warning and, in the torrent, a rocket lit the sky.

There it was again: the noise Which noise? A general noise or a specific repeated noise? If the latter, I believe it should be "that noise" Right you are. A fizz, loud through the walls I really don't understand this part The fizzing noise was loud despite whatever wall insulation was in the house . Then a ring, repeated, the unmistakable sound of a telephone This looks wrong somehow, although I can't put my finger on what it is . There were sudden unexplained hurried footsteps a bit tough to read. Perhaps: There were sudden and unexplained footsteps hurrying along, causing heavy thumps...Not this exactly, but something of the sort, maybe , heavy thumps on the floorboards, as though someone was rushing about upstairsI agree. The fizz and pop rang out again, like a firework. I took a hurried glance through my open window, and I would take off the "and", I thinkI agree, again out into the moonless night. And there it was, a flare in the sky, bright and seen by all. A cry for help. (In this whole area, the punctuation does not seem right, but it could just be me . The telephone was ringing still, and it sounded close by. But I knew, with a chill, that my telephone was by my side, as silent as the blackness outside. The footsteps upstairs were louder, rushing closer. And then, the front door flung open to the wind with a clang that echoed through my mind.

I leapt over to the door and hurriedly glanced out through the darkness, but nothing was there before my threshold. I stumbled forward into the rain, out onto the stained ground at the foot of the house in which I stayed. My gaze was attracted by a bright light shining in the bay, a single glow standing out like a lone star. As I strained my eyes to see, the unmistakable picture of a RNLI Lifeboat at the slipway, chains winding down unto release, became clear. The boat hit the water with an eerily loud splash that made me shudder. Far as I was, the sound was as resonant as though I stood at the launch myself. The craft was outdated in design and condition, the hull was rusted, and the wood rotted to the core.

In its age What do you mean by this? The ship was luminous despite its age or due to its age, or what?Even though it was obsolete, the ship was glowing... , the ship was luminous in the dark, easily visible to my eye over the distance, and it remained all too plain as it braved the elements into the wind and the rain But the wind and rain are the elementsThe lifeboat braved the weather as it passed through.

The following morning, I decided to set out into I don't know, is it correct to set "out into" the town?I do it regularly the town. Passing many a fishmarket, and an iron memorial I didn’t care to read Fragment! . I decided to work my way to the harbour, and perhaps find something out about the history of the town. As I passed a wizened looking fisherman, my curiosity got the better of me and I jogged up to him As you passed him, you jogged up to him? How far away from him are you passing?.He was accross the road .

I don't want to mention it every time, but "lifeboat" shouldn't be capitalized.I know, but since it is the focus of the story, I ignored this, to put emphasis on the ship

“Excuse me sir, do you know anything of "anything of" sounds kind of funny.Do you know anthing of the reason why you think this? why the Lifeboat was launched last night? I’m staying here for a while, and I just wondered why the flare was sent up.” The old fisherman just laughed loudly.

“Nah, there weren’t no boat launched last night. There ‘ent ain't??? Ever heard a Cornishman speak? 'ent' much more accuarately describes the soundbeen one in what? Thirty years? Not since that disaster, I think you can put a period here ’81 it was. Nasty bit of business that was; them say every one of that crew died. Shouldn’t ‘a’ been sent out at all in my opinion, and here too worst storm I ever seen.”

At the man’s words, my stomach churned. I had seen the Lifeboat, I think you should replace the comma with an "as" clearly as day, but here was this man, saying that the boat hadn’t launched in decades.

“Musta been thirty years today, terrible thing it was. So, anyway, whereabouts you stayin’ then?”

“Tregorran Lane, number seven.”

“Really? That’s where the Coxswain of that boat useta’ live. Funny that, eh?”

I turned to go back home, a deep confusion tugging at my insides. It couldn’t have happened last night, could it? I found myself walking at a fast pace, and I couldn’t help but have a small worry that the past hadn’t been laid to rest. When before the sky was bright and blue, with a rapidity I had never seen, the storm set in the storm set in with a rapidity I had never seen (I believe the other can cause confusion as to whether the storm set in rapidly or it was bright and blue rapidly How do you know that the sky wasn't flashing different colours? But you are right . The rains poured down and hit like stone. Wind tore at the earth and threatened to rip me from the ground on which I stood. I felt intense relief to be shielded from the wrath of nature, as I looked out upon the writhing sea from my window. And I saw it, there far on the living ocean. No, it couldn’t be there? It wasn’t there, was it? A Lifeboat?

Beside me comma I could hear a frequent crackling, like static on a radio. “Penlee Lifeboat to Farmouth Coastguard: We’ve got four out...” The message ended abruptly, and the static intensified.

“Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond.” There was a pause in the static. “Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond.” I looked around, but there was no radio. I tore my eyes back to the sea usually one tears ones eyes away from something not to something, now a swirling green monster clawing at the Lifeboat with a vengeance. I could see the Lifeboat approach a distant cargo vessel, broken upon the rocks like a discarded toy. I could hear the rotors of a helicopter beginning its ascent, and now the Lifeboat was alongside you may want to mention again what it was alongside. Possibly try: now the lifeboat was alongside the stricken liner and men were scrambling to drag the crew out from within. Or something of the like That sounds goodand men were scrambling to drag crew from the stricken liner. I looked with horror as a titanic wave smashed the Lifeboat into the other vessel, splintering wood and tearing metal. A horrible scream echoed in my ears, and I almost collapsed with shock. I stood up to see a terrible sight. colon A wave, colossal and frothing with the full might of the sea. It rose to a gigantic height, rolling and screaming death at the now miniscule craft. I had to turn my eyes away as the green monster fell down upon the hapless men, no commma lost at sea.

“Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond. Farmouth Coastguard to Penlee Lifeboat: Respond.”

I forced myself to look back at the scene, but all was calm. The barbaric storm had melted away, either put a period or an "and" the wrecked cargo ship was gone. It was as though it had never happened. It had never happened, not since 1981, when sixteen men lost their lives. It was just an illusion. But then again, I could smell diesel on the wind ...

[The Real Walkers]

Any chance of a wee tinker on my short-story anyone? Surely it wasn't that bad